I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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