I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
