Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
