Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
