i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
