or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
