once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
They took my balls.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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