he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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