Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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