just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
