just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
