my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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