My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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