The maid of honor just puked.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
