I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
