they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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