3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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