Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
