hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
i think my cat just said my name.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My feet surprised me
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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