the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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