Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
