u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize