Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
