I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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