I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
