My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize