Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
