only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
