She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
