girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
