I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize