I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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