Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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