Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
