Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
