I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
