i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
