Whod you bang
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize