worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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