Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
FUCK WHALES
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
