Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
