Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize