I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
