I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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