The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
