I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
