Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize