well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
