Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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