I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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