i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
