It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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