Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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