And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
