Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
