So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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