guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
