I feel great
I just peed on a car
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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