im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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