I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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