dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
