the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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