Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
