Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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