She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
