Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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