I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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