Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
