i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
